Who IS that in the mirror?

I have the ladies in mind here, but I bet there are a few men who can either relate or love a woman who can relate, so read on guys.... if you can take the hormonally-charged talk....

"All is Vanity" by C. Allan Gilbert

So here is an icky thing to reveal about oneself, but I am willing to bet a lot of women and girls, experience this too.  It involves disgust at viewing an inaccurate image that presents itself in the mirror just before a certain time of the month.  I've had this for as long as I can remember, but it has become worse since my "pattern" has become strange and unpredictable, which, although unwelcome, is totally normal for my age (43!).

If you have it -- and I hope you don't -- you know exactly what I mean.  For a few days, you don't see yourself the way you really are.  Instead you see a face that doesn't seem familiar, a GUT that doesn't seem to match the one in your mind's eye and depending on what else is going on -- haphazard emotions, current events, phases of the moon -- certain physical "flaws" magnify to the point where they are huge and blaring (even though you know in your right mind, you're the only one on the entire planet who knows they are there).

So every month -- sometimes more often, sometimes less often -- I go through this and I get to have these additional, ridiculously selfish conversations with God.  I've tried to glamorize them by telling myself they are very Anne Lamott-ish, but I don't seem to find the humor in them as well as she does.  I can't help but feel that God might not, either.

Poor God.  When this happens with me, God gets to hear a lot of, "WHY does it matter?  WHY does it bother me?  WHY am I so shallow?  WHAT is wrong with me?  OH MY GOD, when did THAT -- age spot, freckle, stretch-mark, broken blood vessel, dimple -- get there?"  Fortunately for God, I usually move quickly into thankfulness that my body works, for goodness sake, then into desperately pleading for Her forgiveness.  However, I eventually begin the process of beating myself up for my vanity and self-centeredness.  Then, I put us through the cycle all over again.  Like I said -- poor God.

Distortions are closer than they appear...

A few years ago I realized one of the blessings that comes from this minor delusion.   When it's over, it's over.  Amazingly, once I go into the "red tent," this weird little psychosis completely evaporates and I look in the mirror to find just regular, old me.  The me without all of the imagined illusions of deformity and overt imperfections.  Who is THAT new person there -- who, while not perfect, is not disturbingly WRONG looking????

I don't have body dysmorphia, and I don't want to trivialize that very real and very distressing disorder.  I am blessed that these preoccupations pass and are a memory to me as soon as I have a hormone shift.  Some months, I hardly have any notice of them and other times, I suffer a little more.  There are probably a hundred reasons I do it -- from childhood events to heredity --  and I am sure my therapist could list them all for you.  I believe it's born in my chemical make-up and fed by my vanity and since it doesn't seem to be really going away, I guess it's about time for me to glean something good from this.

First of all, I need to acknowledge that I am vain and quit beating myself up about it.  Vanity is not technically one of the seven deadly sins, but I guess it fits in with "pride," so I am pretty certain I am not the only one who suffers with it.  As an art history buff, you'd think I would be more solid in the belief of beauty being in the eye of the beholder.  Beauty is SO subjective.  In fact, if I like you and find you wonderful, I can only SEE the beauty that comes from within you.  So why can't I do that with myself, on those few days of the month?

Secondly, when I go through this, I do become overwhelmingly tired of myself.  I can't tell you how many times I start and enjoy projects that are completely focused on someone else during this.  This month, I had such an easy time diving into my grandmother's taxes, a job I am ashamed I do not look forward to with relish.

Thirdly, I just can't help but feel that instead of beating myself up so much, I could use this as an occasion to learn something.  AND, I have daughters!  They may go through these times, too (I hope they don't!) but I want them growing up with an example of self acceptance and healthy feelings about aging.  I don't want them to waste the time and energy that I have beating up their image.  Could this actually be a teaching tool?

I'm so thankful to know God forgives us for even small things like this and She has promised to love us, no matter what.

"God's love is meteoric, 

      his loyalty astronomic, 

   His purpose titanic, 

      his verdicts oceanic. 

   Yet in his largeness 

      nothing gets lost; 

   Not a man, not a mouse, 

      slips through the cracks." 

- Psalm 36:6, (The Message)

Of course I'm going to keep praying about it -- this pre-period madness -- when it occurs.  "Ok, Omnipotent Creator, I apologize that here I am again with this nonsense.  With Your grace, please help me to find what I need to learn through this.  Show me how to honor you through even this trivial thing.  Allow it to open my eyes to the suffering of others rather than that of my own."

After all, God sees more than our bodies, more than our egos,
She knows our soul 

and I need not worry if it makes no sense to me.  

I feel certain to Her it's pretty clear, 

as crystal as a looking glass.